Better to have loved and lost
by kmmi95
Summary: After the kiss in Flesh and stone the Doctor and Amy have a very revealing conversation about heartbreak, the Doctor had no idea she would understand the feeling so much. 1shot  D/A


"Just go and stand over there and just stay there until I can sort my head out." Amy wanted to argue the point but she was going to ask him her questions later. The Doctor had just pushed her inside the TARDIS after catching sight of the clock in the corner of his eyes while Amy was trying to kiss him. It had taken all of his self-control to not get hold of her waist and pull her body to his and show her just how much he did love her but he knew there was no way he could do, he didn't think his heart could survive anymore heartbreak. 

"AH!" He shouted making Amy jump. "There is too much in my head, big time lord brain and I can't get it to work! Come on! Think!" He said to himself he was quite for a few more minutes trying to think of the reason why the date that the crack originated from was the day of Amy's wedding day. He could still not believe she was getting married. He kicked the centre control panel out of frustration, although he kicked it a lot harder than he meant to so found himself hopping around the control room holding his foot. Amy walked close to him and put her hand on his shoulder trying to steady him.

The doctor whirled round, unable to keep his frustrations to himself so he took it out on Amy.  
"I thought I told you to stay over there?" He said, his voice filled with malice. Amy, as always, not going to let him beat her shouted back,  
"Oh yes, Amy tried to kiss me so now she must be emotionally unstable so I must keep her away from me, never mind the fact that it is partly my fault she like that because I have been messing with her head since she first stepped though those doors in her nighty!"  
"How is it my fault?" He shouted back his voice at the same volume  
"You have done nothing but mess with my head, one minute your flirting with me and the next it's as if I'm not there."  
"I don't do that."  
"Well why did you push me away and then start kissing me back, is it just to torture me some more?"  
"No, Amy." He said his voice soft. "I want to be able to love you, I really do, I want to be able to kiss you and do more but I can't go through the heartbreak of someone leaving me again, its okay you wouldn't understand." He said his voice gentle and his eyes full of sadness. Amy stepped forward again and placed a comforting arm on his shoulder and looked him in the eyes then started to speak.  
"I understand better than you think I do Doctor." She said her voice full of pain.  
"What do you mean Amy?" asked the Doctor wondering how his companion could ever understand; the amount of pain he was in, the pain in her voice scared him slightly, what could have caused her that much pain.  
"Everyone I ever love leaves me." She said in a quite sad voice. "My mam and dad left me, my aunt, Rory for a while, boyfriends and you. You all left, each one left and I was more broken than I was before. So if anyone understands Doctor it's me." She said, tears in her eyes. The Doctor stood there in shock; he had never known just how much his Amy was broken.  
"I'm sorry Amy; really sorry I had no idea." Said the Doctor taking a small step towards her.  
"Its okay, you didn't know, but I know how much it hurts, the worthlessness you feel, the heartbreak, the feeling of loneliness, the hole in your heart, the feeling that you'll never be truly complete again and the complete misery that come along with it. When we were stood in my bedroom and I was talking to you and trying to kiss you, I said something very important. I said that I was expecting nothing long term, it had nothing to do with what I was expecting it had more to do with what I could take."

The Doctor looked on with wide eyes,  
"I don't understand." Amy smiled wistfully.  
"I have been obsessed with you since I was seven, I dreamed of you since then and I fell in love with you after the prisoner zero adventure, I have lost so many people in my life Doctor and I don't think I could bare it if I lost the first person I have ever opened up to fully. It hurt me so much when you left me, standing alone after saving the world, I thought that you would take me with you that day but you didn't. Rory would never tell you but I spent that night and most of the week crying, I cried myself to sleep and I was so upset. Rory could do nothing to help me because I didn't want the sound of his voice, I wanted the sound of yours and the feel of your arms and your hair as it bushed across me. I wanted you, Rory knew, he knew then that he would only ever be a replacement for you. How could he ever compare to the one man that kept coming back and had never treated me like I was an idiot? He couldn't and he knew it. He knew that it would always be you I loved and that I would always run away with you no matter what was happening where I lived. I have never, ever loved someone as much as I love you, Doctor and for us to have something together then for me to have to leave, I don't think I could ever deal with that." She said. Tears on her cheeks by the end of it, it hurt to have to agree that they could never have anything but friendship, it was like kicking a puppy.

The Doctor was stunned to say the least, it had never happened before but the Doctor was speechless. This little Scottish woman had spoken and sounded older and more pained than anyone he had ever heard. He had never known how much she had actually cared about him, she was right though, it would cause both of them so much pain to have loved each other and then for her to leave. He stood still, thoughts shooting round his head, until he heard the TARDIS in the back of his mind.  
'She is right Doctor, it would be so painful for the both of you, but isn't better to have loved and lost than have never to have loved at all? To have all those memories of the amazing, passionate times between you than just sit after she has left wondering what could have been?' The Doctor smiled, he stepped forward and put his arm on Amy's shoulder. Her head came up to meet his gaze and is hearts broke. Tears were running down her face, her makeup smudged, tear tracks on her cheeks, he reached up and wiped the tears away with his thumb.

"All that is right Amy, it would so painful but isn't it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? Wouldn't it be better to have all those memories of the amazing, passionate times between you and me than just sit after you have left wondering what could have been between us? Could you go back knowing that we could have been amazing and you wasted that chance? You said that anyone that you love leaves you, well I have to leave you, there is no way around it, if I could make you a time lord so you could travel with me forever I would do, even though it is so selfish. But Amelia Pond, the girl who waited I will fight tooth and nail to keep you here with me for as long as I can, and I will never just abandon you. I will come and see you from time to time, always there when needed." He took a breath then carried on. "So what do you think? Want to try anyway?" He asked her. It was silent for a few moments, he bit his lip, fiddled with his bow tie and ran his hands though his hair. Amy had been thinking, it was a massive decision to make and the Doctor knew that, but he still wished she could think quicker, she was killing him over there, making him wait this long. Finally she spoke.  
"No I couldn't." She said, the Doctors face fell he turned away from her but she placed her hand on his back. "I would never be able to live with myself knowing I had the chance at my fairy tale romance and I threw it away because I was scared of getting hurt." He whirled round, to be met with her beaming face. She stepped towards him.  
"Did you honestly think that after all you just said, that may have made me fall more in love with you than before, I would still be able to resist you?" The Doctor nodded. "You know for an alien genius you are so dim sometimes." They both laughed before Amy stepped forward again so they were nearly nose to nose. The Doctor bent his head and caught her lips with his. It was a soft and gentle kiss but it didn't stay that way. Soon his arms had come around her waist, pulling her closer to him while hers were round his neck, making sure there was no way he could get away from her again. She ran her tongue along the outside his lips lightly asking for entrance and he granted her it. What had started off as a soft kiss certainly did not stay that way.

It was a few hours later when the pair were lying together in bed, the covers wrapped around each other that they thought about what this meant for them. The Doctor looked down at Amy who's head was lying on his chest, his fingers running though her soft red hair. Amy turned her head and looked into the Doctor's Grey-Blue eyes and he looked back into her hazel ones. It was then that they both thought that no matter what happened it was always better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.


End file.
